tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7827475211989551172024-03-05T10:51:24.113-04:00Mizadventures of Mizchifmizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.comBlogger436125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-56493572277629670192022-12-31T19:45:00.001-04:002022-12-31T19:45:10.346-04:00Bye Bye 2022<p> I guess I'm now a birthday and New year blogger. </p><p>But also I'm a fortnightly newsletter writer now so it's all good. </p><p>2022. Quite the year. </p><p>It felt like it went really quick but I've been going through my camera roll in preparation for my instagram recap and it has been a long enough year, same number of days, months, hours.</p><p>I'm ending the year feeling very thankful. Actually joined cross over service virtually so right now I'm listening to our church choir doing praise songs all the way from Lagos. I also attended Church twice over Christmas, which is interesting because my relationship with religion has been a strained one recently, maybe 2023 is the year I find God for myself/return to religion, we shall see. </p><p>There were parts of 2022 that were unpleasant. There was hurt, there was heartbreak, loss and so on but overall things were quite okay. I can't think of anything outstanding, but now that I'm more focused on the small things, I can see all the little ways in which this year was amazing. </p><p>I got to spend a couple of months with my sister and nephew living with me, got to experience the pure love that children radiate, and watch with fascination as he grew and learnt new things almost daily it seems. My relationship with my sister grew stronger, as evidenced by us being able to live together with minimal arguments. I got to go deeper in some of my friendships, I also gave up on some friendships. I made promises to myself and kept them. I showed up even when it was hard and I didn't feel like it. I did the things. </p><p>For 2023 I'm not asking for much. </p><p>I would like to find love, or better still for love to find me. There were moments of loneliness in 2022 that I would much rather not experience in 2023. </p><p>I would like to find more community. People I can see in person without having to travel several miles. I would like more money, obviously. </p><p>I would like to be able to afford the things that make me happy without doing too much mathematics. I would like all my loved ones to remain in good health, my parents especially. I'm really not ready to lose them just yet. </p><p>I would like more clarity around what it is I want my life to look like, so I can do the things that will get me there. </p><p>2023 also happens to be the year I qualify for my Indefinite Leave to Remain, which is something I'm really thankful for and excited about. </p><p>I hope that as you say goodbye to 2022, that you're able to find things to be thankful for.</p><p>And I pray that 2023 surpasses all your best expectations. </p><p>Happy New Year my friends. </p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-33485436357962651292022-08-31T17:09:00.001-04:002022-08-31T17:09:09.741-04:00Happy Birthday<p>I knew I'd been away for a while but I didn't realise I haven't written here all year.</p><p><br /></p><p>This is still my fave little piece of internet real estate so of course I had to visit on my birthday. </p><p>I bought a last minute ticket for a last minute trip to celebrate my birthday and I'm super glad I did. </p><p>I've had a difficult few weeks and it feels so good to just getaway from real life and its troubles. </p><p><br /></p><p>Year 35 was full of heart break not gonna lie. The romantic side of things did not quite work. However I can truly say that I feel loved, held and seen by so many. Friends, family, acquaintances. </p><p>I've received some of the most beautiful messages today. My friends have sent gifts from far and near. I have so many messages I've not been able to respond to all. Grateful to be overwhelmed with love. Hope I can continue to deserve all this love. </p><p>There was also a lot of growth in Year 35. I feel like I've expanded so much. In many ways I'm still the same person but so much better and I couldn't be more grateful.</p><p><br /></p><p>I'm currently in this place of immense gratitude. I don't feel particularly worried about the future and what it might hold. If anything, I feel excited. Like things can only get better and I'm here for all of it. </p><p><br /></p><p>Happy Birthday to me. </p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-65783092580601535952021-12-31T18:24:00.000-04:002021-12-31T18:24:03.800-04:002021 Recap<p> I just realised that I only wrote a handful of posts here this year. </p><p>But that's because I focused most of my writing energies on my new baby this year. </p><p>On the 5th of March I decided to start a newsletter and it's the thing I'm proudest of this year. </p><p>So what shall we say about the year that was. </p><p>2021 was a good year for me, all things considering. </p><p>I'd forgotten how good this year was until I went through my camera roll to make a reel for my instagram page and I saw all these pictures of me and my loved ones, laughing and living. </p><p>I passed my exam, started training, became an aunty, suffered heart break, took trips, had many orgasms, and so on. </p><p>2021 is also the year I finally felt like I could call myself a writer. It started with a challenge where I had to write everyday for the month of Feb and I believe that's what gave me the courage to start my newsletter, and my years of practicing self discipline kept me consistent. Not a single issue did I miss. </p><p>Super proud of me. </p><p>I'd say one of my biggest lessons from 2021 was that I don't HAVE to do anything, but I can choose the things that spark joy and focus on them. No longer doing things just because, but doing everything with intention. I can't say it's easy but I can definitely tell you it was rewarding. </p><p>I became an aunty this year and I couldn't be more grateful. Getting to benefit from baby endorphins without stressing my body >>></p><p>I'd hoped that having my mother around would be a good opportunity for us to build a better relationship but that didn't quite happen. She's leaving in a few days and sad as it is, I do feel a tad relieved. I'm making peace with the relationship we have and accepting that it's probably always going to be this way. </p><p>My career is finally on the move, with me starting training this year. I'm glad I took my time before getting into this because tbh the stress has been major and I don't know that I'd be doing this well if I had rushed into it. Also this is my last full year of hospital medicine so I am super stoked about that. </p><p>I've grown so much over the past few years and I think I recorded even more growth in 2021 and for this I am thankful. </p><p>I am so much less anxious about the future now. Most of life still makes no sense to me, like I'm hard pressed to see the point of having to be here, but, I'm making the most of it. </p><p>Here's hoping 2021 was good to you, and if it wasn't, hoping you have at least one thing to look forward to and hope for in the coming year. </p><p>Happy New Year my friends. </p><p><br /></p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-86480720326056586542021-11-08T21:42:00.002-04:002021-11-08T21:44:50.532-04:00The End<p> I said goodbye yesterday. Officially.</p><p>Truth is the relationship had ended a while ago. Sometime around my birthday. </p><p>I guess my birthday is a big relationship litmus test. </p><p>Even if I was the only one in the relationship. </p><p><br /></p><p>Life is really somehow sometimes. Because I still don't understand how I fell for an anti-vaxxer who reads 48 Laws of Power. But alas. The universe will laugh at you sometimes and there is nothing you can do about it. Not a thing. </p><p>I hadn't seen him since mid-August. Until yesterday. I went to pick up my things. I think that has been my excuse for not ending things sooner/keeping hope alive. Silly as it sounds, a part of me hoped that he would say the right things and we could go back to how we were. </p><p>Needless to say, that did not happen. </p><p>I'm proud of myself though. For finally choosing me. Because if I'm being honest, the signs have been there for a while, I tried to bleach the red flags. Didn't work. </p><p>And I should be thankful. And I am. </p><p>But there's also hurt. And pain. </p><p>Sigh. </p><p>At least I'm not crying any more. </p><p>The preceding week had me spontaneously bursting into tears at multiple times during the day. </p><p>But I think when I saw him yesterday my brain and heart came to agreement that this person wasn't worthy. </p><p>Did I mention that the sex was beyond lit. Beyond. And I'm not exaggerating. </p><p><br /></p><p>Anywho, life has been kicking my ass lately. I have my mum with me and when she's not complaining about her husband, my father, she's telling me why it is important to get married. </p><p>In other exciting news, I get to go see my best friend in a few days and I can not fucking wait. </p><p><br /></p><p>Tell me what you've been up to. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-74279440874190555992021-10-17T10:27:00.003-04:002021-10-17T10:27:51.374-04:00Easy like Sunday morning<p> Technically it's afternoon now. </p><p><br /></p><p>Hello my people. </p><p>It's been super quiet around here. I keep meaning to post but life has been happening and happening. </p><p>I've been well. New job, new town, also new aunty. The blessings have been many and honestly, it has all been a little overwhelming. </p><p>I cannot say I am not coping but I also can't say I'm not struggling a little. </p><p>I have been managing to hold on to my sanity thanks to my routines, but the past few months have been a lot. </p><p>Oh I might have also broken up with the boyfriend. Yes, there was a boyfriend who I thoroughly enjoyed being with for a while, so much that I did try to bleach some of the red flags but alas. For some reason I'm not taking it too badly and I'm still studying why this is so. Might just be the fact that my life has really ramped up in other areas so I haven't had time to moon over him. Ah well. </p><p>Time for power to change hands soo I'm interviewing new candidates but tbh.....there doesn't seem to be much out there. And I'm not even being somehow, the quality of men I be coming across is generally... poor. And that's me being kind. </p><p>I became an aunty and thankfully my mum was able to come over. She is currently with me and it has been interesting so far. We've had a few honest conversations. Including one where I told her I have no desire to have children. Went unexpectedly well, all things considering. We shall see. </p><p>One of the items on my to do list for the week is to attend a funeral for my former employers wife. She was all of 48yrs old. Cancer. An ex lost his dad recently too, died on his birthday. Another friend in naij has lost at least three close friends this year, all young and otherwise fit and healthy. Feels like death is everywhere. Makes me wonder what the point of all this life nonsense is. </p><p>On one hand, all this death reminds me of the importance of doing as much living as I can while I can, on the other hand I sometimes just want to curl up and sleep for a really really long time. </p><p>I'm not suicidal I promise, but sometimes, I really don't see the point. I just keep praying for comfort and fortitude for the bereaved, while waiting my turn. </p><p><br /></p><p>I didn't mean for this to turn dark. <br />So I'll be going now. </p><p>I hope you are well. </p><p><br /></p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-49511302419087174632021-06-13T16:45:00.004-04:002021-06-13T16:45:45.974-04:00Check check<p> I opened this page to come and lament about man last week but he reappeared so all is now well with my world. </p><p><br /></p><p>LOL.</p><p><br /></p><p>How am I almost 35yrs old and still allowing men to stress me?</p><p>Anywho.</p><p>I am doing very well. Currently between jobs so I'm neither working nor earning money but somehow I am so very happy. Thank God for savings. </p><p>But really this life of enjoyment is what I'm destined for. </p><p>I went visiting a friend a few weeks ago and we did things like putter about in her garden when the sun came out and spend the evenings playing tennis at the local park or drinking rum and smoking cigarillos in her garden and I'm like damn, this IS the life. </p><p>I'm using my free time to date widely and it has been a very interesting experience. I might actually write a book on the subject. </p><p>The main takeaway though is that there will always be men. ALWAYS. So please don't go and panic and settle for the wrong one. </p><p>There's no real point to this post other than to check in. </p><p>I hope you are well. </p><p><br /></p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-37316379897351346852021-03-21T13:02:00.002-04:002021-03-21T13:02:22.895-04:00Moving but still here<p>My main people. </p><p>I've been all over the place lately. Haven't remembered to come here as much but this will always be my special place. </p><p>Life has been treating me well. And I have been making the most of things. </p><p>I told a friend recently that I don't remember ever feeling this happy/at peace in my adult life. Not in recent years at least. </p><p>I currently feel like there's no need to worry. That things will work themselves out somehow. And it is the most peaceful feeling. </p><p>The man I like did something that made me realise he probably doesn't like me as much as I like him. And the way I stepped back and reviewed the situation has me impressed with myself. I should write about this particular matter more but maybe another time. </p><p>I just gave that example to show how I really don't stress about so many things anymore. I think about things and make the decision that serves me best and keep it moving. I make sure to enforce my boundaries with everyone I interact with. And I do my best to respond with kindness and minimize the petty. </p><p>And so far, it is all working for me. </p><p>I have finally decided to take my writing more seriously. I now know that I want a career in writing one day and to that end I have started writing more publicly. </p><p>Lately I've been thinking about how I want to work with people to help them. Like a success coach but without the title. But I know that my patience is super thin and working with people in person might be tricky for someone who doesn't like people all that much, so I started a newsletter.</p><p>I am excited for this my baby and can not wait to see how things go. I genuinely hope I can do some good more than anything. And practice my writing as well. </p><p>Win Win. </p><p>So yes, you may not see as much of me on here but I'll definitely keep this space and pop round from time to time. </p><p>If you want to be added to my mailing list, send me your email to mss.sassy at gmail dot com</p><p>Or just leave a comment with your email and I'll add you. </p><p>I hope 2021 has been treating you well.</p><p>Also make sure you get your COVID jab if/when the opportunity presents itself. </p><p>Have a great week x</p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-32054233832432108982020-12-31T07:29:00.000-04:002020-12-31T07:29:10.126-04:002020 Recap<p> Yesterday morning, i'd just finished a busy night shift and was walking out of the hospital when i heard a crash call and i recognized the location as a room i had spent quite a bit of time in during the night. </p><p>Elderly male patient, asian, Bangladeshi i think. COVID positive. His wife had died of COVID in the same hospital on Christmas day. When i saw him he was struggling to breathe. We had titrated his supplemental oxygen to the highest we could on the ward. The next step would be Non Invasive Ventilation, however all the machines were in use by other patients and there was no space on the respiratory ward or ICU to move him to. </p><p>His two sons were by his bedside fussing and attending to him. They were very polite and obviously in pain watching their dad suffer like that, only a few days after losing their mum. I had to explain the situation of things to them and why their dad couldn't get more respiratory assistance. </p><p>I didn't answer the crash call, but i'm pretty sure i know how it ended. </p><p><br /></p><p>2020 has been quite the year. </p><p>It feels like so much has happened this year. And it has. I was watching a Netflix documentary titled "Death to 2020" last night and i couldn't believe all the events that managed to occur in this one year. </p><p>I vaguely remember being "homeless" at the beginning of the year. And starting at a new hospital. Then there was Trinidad in Feb right before the pandemic hit and things shut down.</p><p>I haven't danced salsa in over ten months, but there was a lot of good for me in 2020. I eventually found the most ideal accommodation that fit my budget and most of my requirements and just happened to be a 10 minute walk from work and from a BOXING gym. That alone is a miraculous blessing. </p><p>My health held up and i was able to work more than i did last year and because outside was closed and i was not spending as much, i was able to save more. Also the men in my life this year have been the ones who are more than happy to pick up the tab or pay for my grocery shopping and let me tell you spending other peoples money sweet die. </p><p>I can't say that I was very lonely. The lockdown didn't make me super sad. I used to time to explore my surroundings and pick up a new hobby skill (i taught myself to ride a bike) which feels like my biggest life accomplishment in recent years. I met new people. And some of them have been pretty solid. </p><p>2020 was such a good sex year. I had A LOT of sex this year. A LOT. And most of it was great. And when any of my situationships stopped feeling good, i bounced with the quickness. Which brings me to another great thing about 2020. I truly put myself first this year. I prioritised my well being. I gave of myself and my time and my resources where i felt led to and i said no where i wasn't. And i did not feel any guilt for any of it. </p><p>Many of my relationships grew stronger. This year reminded me how lucky i am to have a close knit family. I couldn't see so many of my friends this year but i got to spend more time with my sister than we ordinarily would have and my girlfriends all around the world, my God. There were fortnightly zoom meetings that we could not all make at the same time due to childcare issues, timezone issues and just life getting in the way but we made the effort and i am more than grateful for every single one of my girls. </p><p>To be completely honest this Christmas season felt weird, like no Christmas before, but i made the most of it. I have been cheesing non stop from all the reaction videos/posts from my friends who love their gifts. I probably gave the most Christmas gifts this year and i am thankful that i could afford to. </p><p>I made a point to be more kind a few years ago and i think i carried on with that even more this year. I tried to minimise my petty and extend grace in situations i ordinarily wouldn't have.</p><p>2020 was somehow, but there was also a lot of good for me. </p><p>I am grateful to be ending the year in love and good health and happiness. </p><p>I know 2020 was a proper rough year for many folks and i hope that if you're one of them you at least have a few bright spots to hold on to. And if not we go again next year. </p><p><br /></p><p>Happy New Year my loves. </p><p>See you in 2021</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-1839200549081704682020-12-06T18:30:00.003-04:002020-12-06T18:30:37.204-04:00Cheese<p> How is it that i have not written here since September. </p><p>Terrible. </p><p><br /></p><p>Anyway, I am well. I have just been busy cooking. </p><p>Yes, cooking, for a man. </p><p>Gaspshockhorror. </p><p><br /></p><p>I need to check when i first met this man but i'd say it's barely been two months but he makes me happy enough to cook for him. </p><p>He's nothing like i'm used to, but what was supposed to be a casual hook up has turned into a series of meetings, each one more meaningful than the last. The last time i saw him was yesterday. He'd shown up with flowers on friday night because i was mad that he arrived much later than we had planned. I couldn't be mad when i saw the flowers, and his face. Like i'm proper giddy around him it's a bit ridiculous. I'm also super honest. I tell him what i'm thinking and feeling a lot of the time. Well not ALLLLLL of it but most of it, or more than i'm used to telling anyway. And i am really enjoying it. It feels reciprocated too so even better. </p><p>Anyway he spent the night and after feeding him, we got into bed and put on a christmas movie on Netflix and cuddled and talked for hours, just talked and made out for the longest. Oh and of course the sex is amazing, which is probably how i got here in the first place. Woke up saturday morning to more snogging and talking then we went grocery shopping, came back home and i made us breakfast and then he had to leave and i'm still tingly from how sweet all of it was.</p><p>He has me wanting to plan trips and make new year's plans together which is very unusual for me because ordinarily i would be running in the other direction on hearing a man has three kids but here. we. are. </p><p>I feel like i can be all of myselves with him. And it has been a while since i felt like this. And the last time it ended in chest pain so i should be more wary but you know what? This life is only one and while i am here, i might as well enjoy it. </p><p>Now this is me talking myself down. Talking myself down from over thinking it and being afraid to want more. Whatever more might look like for us. </p><p>He's atypical. Meaning not my classic type. I still don't know all the things he does and i should probably ask, but i know that he's thoughtful and he's kind and he's a great father, and he gives the best head ever in the history of oral sex. </p><p>SO you see guys, for now? We die here.</p><p>Lol.</p><p>J/K</p><p>I'm happy, and for now, that's all that counts. </p><p>I'm going to allow myself this, however long (or not) it lasts. </p><p><br /></p><p>Oh and ya, this guy is not the same guy in my last post. That one fizzled quick. By fizzled i mean he attempted to ghost me but was clearly confused about what he wanted. Anyway, past tense. </p><p><br /></p><p>IN other life news, i applied to specialty training last week. I don't know when i'll know if i'm successful. But that is in the works. I am also looking for other employment. Tired of my current hospital/employer. </p><p>I'm feeling super christmassy this year. I was hoping to travel to the U.S for some sun over the holidays but it turns out people from the United Kingdom and Schengen area are actually not allowed into the U.S As in, there's no quarantine on arrival option. Wawu. </p><p>I still hope to make the most of the season somehow. I have taken time off work as is customary for me at this time of the year. </p><p>I hope you are well.</p><p>How are you, tell me, i want to hear. What are your holiday plans? Anything exciting happen lately?</p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-24045365792440727272020-09-17T08:25:00.002-04:002020-09-17T08:25:29.892-04:00Randoms<p> Lately i've been thinking of starting a new writing space. </p><p>I want to practice writing more. But i'm.....afraid, scared? I don't know.</p><p>But i really like this space. It's been over a decade of coming here to spew my guts and it has been so helpful. </p><p><br /></p><p>Anyway, i hope i'm able to gather myself and just start writing. That book isn't going to write itself. Actually, those books. So famz appropriately now so that i can remember you in my kingdom when i become a big shot author. </p><p>I'm feeling random today so here goes.</p><p>There's a new boy i like. I should really stop saying boy but i also refer to myself as girl, so *shrug*. He's very effusive and it has made me realise that i thrive under such conditions. So far so good. </p><p>I've become way less patient/accomodating with/of men. These days i don't reward half assing. Anybody that is not actively, ACTIVELY making effort to make me feel liked/loved/wanted, gets the same luke warm energy and eventually gets spat out. </p><p>The last man i wrote about...hmmmm. Very very hmmm. I'm not ready to tell his story here, but i was effectively done with him on my birthday. And i didn't have the energy to have any long talk so i am ghosting. </p><p>I've been thinking a lot about how hospitals are coping with the increased need for consumables like gloves and masks. And then it led me to think about the companies manufacturing items like masks, gloves and hand sanitiser. Imagine running such a business for years, maybe even starting to consider shutting down operations for whatever reasons and then 2020 rolls along and now you can barely even meet the demand. Must be nice no? Trying to imagine the cashing out. </p><p>At my hospital i now see all kinds of masks and gloves from different manufacturers we never used before and i'm assuming it is because they're unable to obtain the regular ones that we used in the past. Makes me wonder what is happening in places like Nigeria. </p><p>2020 has been quite the year. I feel like i've never known so many people die in such a "short" time frame. I've lost count of the people i know who have lost loved ones since this year started. Watched a friend of mine bury her mum last week and it really really hit close to home for me. The man i like is burying his dad tomorrow. It just feels like death is everywhere. On one hand all this death and dying reminds me to live as fully and intentionally as possible. On the other hand i have my heart in mouth about the fact that both my ageing parents are in Nigeria and are potentially one asthma attack or botched surgery from death. For something that is so certain, death is really really somehow. Makes me wonder what the point of all of it is sometimes. But i don't want to sound glum today. </p><p>I saw a few tweets from Bassey Ikpi a few days ago about it being okay to be okay amidst all that is going on. I am okay. Maybe even better than okay. Things are actually going quite well for me for the most part. I was walking to work this morning from the gym and it hit me that i somehow managed to design a life i had imagined for a long time. I currently live 10mins from work. And my new gym is about the same distance from home and work for me. This morning i woke up by 6:34am and was at the gym by 6:51am, finished my workout and made it to work by 7:59am on the nose. </p><p>As someone who used to wake up by 5am to DRIVE to the gym and then DRIVE to work and DRIVE herself back home from Victoria Island to Surulere, this is major. </p><p>Plus i can actually afford my life. This one makes me happiest. For example, a couple of weeks ago, i opened my laptop and noticed there was a problem with the screen. After much back and forth with Apple, they said it was a hairline crack on the screen and that is classified as accidental damage and is not covered by their limited waranty or consumer law so i would have to pay for an out of warranty repair. I had tears in my eyes when they told me the cost (I didn't realise it was cost before VAT they even gave me). I was super upset at such a big unbudgeted expense especially since i'd just spent quite a bit celebrating my birthday, but i chested it. Booked an extra shift and went back to drop off the laptop, only to receive the full bill of FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY GREAT BRITISH POUNDS AND FIFTY FOUR CENTS. Long story short, i have my laptop back now, after giving Apple my hard earned money. </p><p>For context, i used to earn two hundred thousand NGN less than 3 years ago. If this sort of thing had happened to me then, there would have been lots of weeping and gnashing of teeth and i would definitely not be using said laptop by now. Actually let's leave hypotheticals. When my Sony Vaio laptop got stolen from my car like 7 years ago, i was never able to afford a replacement until i moved to England. </p><p>See why i am immensely grateful. </p><p>I share this mostly to remind myself that there is a lot of good in my life. </p><p>I went away last weekend. Spent the weekend in a caravan somewhere in the countryside and it was perfect. Something very rejuvenating about spending time in nature and i'm thankful i was able to do it. </p><p>I also have a holiday booked for October so i'm praying really really really hard that corona doesn't remain outside too much because God knows i need a proper get away. Please pray with me. </p><p>I think i have randomed enough for today. </p><p>I do hope you are well. Thank you for reading x</p><p><br /></p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-48925330674888330682020-08-30T18:56:00.003-04:002020-08-30T18:56:40.289-04:00Birthday<p> I pondered whether to write this tonight or tomorrow but chances are i won't be sleeping in my own bed by myself tomorrow night so might as well get it out of the way now. </p><p>This past year of my life hasn't been bad at all. I'm kinda feeling the same way i felt last year. Just right, like i'm where i'm supposed to be. And for that i am super thankful. </p><p>I've done a lot of personal exploration in the past year and discovered so many things about myself. It has been a fun and interesting journey. </p><p>I am surrounded by so much love, in different colors. </p><p>I am healthy. </p><p>I was reading an old journal entry from my 28th birthday, which i can not quite believe was 6 years ago, but that's another story.</p><p>2014 was a rough year for me. Things really weren't lining up and i felt proper glum. I remember that birthday so clearly because i wept my fucking lungs out. But so much has changed since then. I don't have to worry about the things i was worried about then. I'm truly thankful. For all the growth and progress. </p><p><br /></p><p>I've been working like a dog for the past two months and i can not wait to get a break. </p><p>Thanks to corona, i haven't booked a birthday holiday this year but i have now booked one for a couple months time. I NEED the break. NEED.</p><p>Spent today with one of my boyfriends. I cooked and we ate and we drank wine in bed while i read my old journal entry to him and cried. And he said the sweetest birthday toast/prayer. And left me a birthday card that i'm not allowed to open till tomorrow. </p><p>Tomorrow another boyfriend is hosting my birthday get together at his, although i'm paying for everything. And i only have two confirmed guests. </p><p>And i have a breakfast date with another boyfriend for Tuesday morning that i am quite looking forward to. </p><p>Hopefully i get to see a few more of my friends. I'll be celebrating all month. Or the next two weeks at the very least. </p><p>Painted my toenails white and I'm in bed now, with fresh sheets and the cutest duvet cover i bought from T.K Maxx today, looking up at a 31" balloon that reads "Queen for a Day".</p><p>I am happy. </p><p>Happy birthday to me. </p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-71716362759917981312020-08-19T12:38:00.004-04:002020-08-19T12:38:38.599-04:00Mummy<p> I'm having one of those days where i dissolve into tears for no apparent reason. </p><p>And i'm at work. </p><p>Not sure exactly what set me off but i had a number of small annoyances very early in the day, then i started feeling low and next thing i'm sitting in my office staring blankly ahead and there's tears and snot everywhere. This happened like three times. The last time, i called my best friend and had a big ugly cry. </p><p>I really wanted to call my parents, just to hear my daddy say "Hello Princess" or my mum call me Adanna. But either of those things would have really set me off and i don't want to worry them unnecessarily. Because really there's nothing wrong with me. I was just really sad. I feel a little better now. </p><p>I just wish the work day was over already but alas. </p><p><br /></p><p>Yesterday i called my mum and we spoke for a good while. It was a video call so i got to see her face light up when i answered, which made me happy. During our conversation she said something about how well i know her, even better than she knows herself. Then she also said something along the lines of how she can't stop talking about me to people because i'm so special amongst other things. </p><p>And the little girl in me that spent what felt like all of her teenage years actively seeking her mother's approval was appeased. </p><p>I'm grateful for the relationship we have now. We still have our funny turns but for the most part we are good. </p><p>Called her just now to see her face and hear her say I love you. </p><p><br /></p><p>I still need many hugs. </p><p><br /></p><p>Hope you are well. And thank you for reading. </p>mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-59097413509781306772020-07-23T10:02:00.002-04:002020-07-23T10:02:33.907-04:00No you hang upThe other day i tweeted "How old is too old for midnight you hang up no you hang up type conversations"<br />
<br />
So now i have come to report myself.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
A few weeks ago, while trawling the internet for men, i got a message from this guy and i responded and we got chatting. And then he randomly offers to cook for me.<br />
<br />
Well not that random. So we were chatting while i was on my way back from a a night shift and he asked how are you and i said hungry. So he offered to cook for me. Said if i sent him my location, he'd come, pick me up and cook for me.<br />
<br />
Now this is somebody who had not seen my face, did not know my name, (my profile on this platform only has a picture of my ass) but was offering to feed me. And something about it was intriguing to me so i said yes. It was after saying yes that we exchanged numbers and he called me and i found out he was a Yoruba man.<br />
<br />
You guys.<br />
<br />
How is it that i left Yoruba men in Lagos but they have continued to follow me all over the world?<br />
<br />
Anyway, i had already committed.<br />
<br />
He showed up and he seemed alright, We drove to his. Stopped at the African store to buy food items.<br />
<br />
He made good on his promise to cook for me. Twice. Because somehow it ended up being a 24hr first date. A lot of sex was had. And at some point during, this man asked me to be his girlfriend, to which i responded, "focus dear".<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
We have been spending quite a bit of time together. And talking pretty much everyday.<br />
<br />
But i haven't said yes to being his girlfriend.<br />
<br />
Why.<br />
<br />
I think the summary is that i'm just not feeling him on that level.<br />
<br />
And i know that most of my reasons seem fickle but you know what? I'm accepting that that is okay.<br />
<br />
He's kind of ...unpolished. The real word i want t use is razz but i'm trying to be a little PC.<br />
<br />
He's just not the type of man i'm used to being with. He doesn't have a similar level of exposure. He's easily impressed by certain things.<br />
<br />
And can honestly not afford to keep me or even keep up with the life i'm accustomed to. And it is okay if this sounds shallow to you but it is significant for me.<br />
<br />
If i'm going on three holidays a year as a single girl, and then i start dating someone and he can not afford to do this with me what happens?<br />
<br />
Yes holidays may not be an essential life need but that's just one example.<br />
<br />
One time we went to this African restaurant and i excitedly ordered a bunch of stuff, nothing too crazy, he ordered as well, when the lady at the counter told us the total, my guy started stuttering, had to tell the babe that we are paying separately.<br />
<br />
I find that many people like to gloss over the effects of finances on relationships. But i don't, so ya.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
He's also a conspiracy theorist. I've never heard free masons mentioned as many times as i have. He's a little obsessed with secret societies, the ones i've not even heard of. He says things like mainstream media is brainwashing people and other such theories so sometimes conversations with him can be quite tedious.<br />
<br />
On the other hand though i think it's a great thing that he can talk about more than football statistics.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
However!!!!<br />
<br />
I am enjoying myself. I'm getting boyfriend type sex which i like.<br />
<br />
I'm enjoying all the cutesy stuff, listening to his music in the car, subtle PDA, you know, the fun stuff.<br />
<br />
And that is where i'm keeping it. For now at least. Light and fun.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I obviously like him if i'm spending 3 hours on the phone with him and have now mentioned him to my sister and all my friends and i'm not ruling out more, but for now? This is where i am.<br />
<br />
My sister was like "So what's the point if you're not trying to take him seriously, isn't that wasting your time" My response was "wetin i dey take the time do before".<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
That's it guys, you're caught up.<br />
<br />
I feel like there's a few bits i missed out but i'll add them in when i remember.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Hope you are keeping well and staying safe.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-13587205519001809812020-06-19T19:36:00.003-04:002020-06-19T19:36:57.428-04:00TiredThis. Fucking. Week.<br />
This week.<br />
<br />
I was looking forward to visiting my friend out of town and picnicking with my girls tomorrow but this was cancelled last minute so i'm in my bed at midnight sipping whisky and to be honest, i'm alright.<br />
<br />
Thank you for the love on my last post. I still can't believe i typed it and hit publish, but it's just one indicator of how much better i'm doing. The second indicator is that i haven't had a mental breakdown this week. Because two years ago i would have buckled from all the heaviness of the week.<br />
<br />
On Sunday we heard that Ibidun Ighodalo had died. This one didn't hit too hard to be honest. Until i started reading some of the glowing tributes from her friends and each one was a testament to how much of a blessing she was to everyone she came in contact with.<br />
<br />
Then Dan Foster died. I had to log off as soon as i saw this one.<br />
I know it's weird sometimes to explain how deeply affected i get by deaths of people i never knew personally. But it is a thing.<br />
Dan Foster was like my radio best friend. I listened to him for years. I would wake up and turn on the radio just to listen to Dan on the Good morning show on Cool FM that year. I remember moving abroad in 2008 but still listening to him via online radio. I was sad when he moved from Cool FM but i followed him to inspiration FM. I can still hear all his funny mispronunciations. You could just tell he was a good person. So jovial. I remember he had a son who used to come visit him in Nigeria and he would bring him on the show sometimes. They even recorded one of the greeting that used to play during his show. And in the past few days i've seen the outpouring of love from those who knew him.<br />
<br />
Then we also had to watch in real time what happens when rape survivors speak up in a country as dangerous for women as Nigeria is. I had to log off repeatedly. But i have to say that my fellow daughters of disobedience made me proud. My fave one was the email link that auto generated an email to all the brans working with the bastard.<br />
I'm thankful that these conversations are happening. But at the same time my heart hurts for the women who are reliveing their trauma through these conversations. The women who are being constantly triggered.<br />
<br />
All this while we are still in the middle of a pandemic.<br />
<br />
So yes, this has been a heavy week.<br />
But i'm still here.<br />
Oh and i secured more decent accommodation for myself. Finally.<br />
One of the reasons why i left my last apartment was because i was fed up of the pig that was my flatmate and my plan was to get a place by myself. However i moved to this really nice, but super expensive neighbourhood to be closer to work and let's just say my pocket/salary can't take these prices.<br />
I finally settled for an en-suite room in a really nice house. A little smaller than i'd have liked but bigger than the room i've lived in for the past 3 months so i'm sure i'll manage okay.<br />
I hope i'm happy there.<br />
<br />
Hope you're keeping well and staying as safe as you can manage.<br />
<br />
Be well and thanks for reading x<br />
<br />
<br />mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-45434919133576052202020-06-05T09:29:00.000-04:002020-06-05T09:29:17.546-04:00RapeI met him at diploma lesson. So i must have been either 16/17 years old, and he must have been around my age as well. Theodore. I've never forgotten his name.<br />
We had arranged to meet one day, somewhere on Lagos island. Military street i think. I remember because whenever i drive past that road i keep trying to figure out which house it was.<br />
I knew we were going to have sex. I was a teenager who had just recently discovered sex and wanted more so i expected to have sex with him that day. And we did. I can't remember anything about it, but it was probably fumbling teenage sex, nothing mind blowing but sufficient.<br />
I think i'd just put my clothes back on or was in the process of putting my clothes back on when his friend walked in. This is the part where my memory starts to fail me. I remember being confused because it appeared that this friend who i had never met before also wanted to have sex with me. And i knew i didn't want that. So i said no. And that is the only thing i can remember for certain. I know that this friend must have has sex with me, but i must have shut down so completely that i have no memory of the actual act.<br />
I can not remember how i left that house that day, or how i got home that day. or anything else related to that incident.<br />
<br />
One day in Uni, year 1 i think, i saw him, the friend. Teni. I only remembered his name this morning while i was in the shower. He was a student at my school. Studying law. He recognized me and stopped to give me a ride. His car was a blue Golf. I remember accepting the ride, and sitting rigidly in his car, not knowing what to say, acting like i didn't remember how he had taken something i hadn't given him.<br />
<br />
He's probably a father now with his cute family as his display picture across social media, joining to retweet hashtags condemning rape. Maybe a successful lawyer even.<br />
<br />
I was in Uni. Can't remember what year now. I'd heard that Tuface was going to be in town for a show. I think i tried to get my friends to go with me but no one else was interested. And i really really wanted to see Tuface. So i went. I've always been like that, not one to wait around for people before i do whatever it is i want to do.<br />
My school was not in town, so i had to travel to town. I found the venue easily enough. I was quite early so i got a seat right in front of the stage. I remember sitting with a couple of girls. And Tuface actually came to our table. Shook my hand even. The show was great. I had a good time and i was happy.<br />
When it was over i decided to wait around because it was late and i hadn't made arrangements for accommodation. I'd just figured i'd head back to school afterwards. While i was waiting around near the entrance of the venue a car pulled up and a man in the back seat beckoned me over. He asked where i was going and when i told him he offered to give me a ride. He must have noticed my reluctance to accept because he brought out his card and gave it to me, telling me he was a politician, like a member of the house of reps or something. I guess i must have been satisfied with his identification of himself because i got in the car.<br />
I noticed that he wasn't going in the direction of the park so i asked and he said it was too early and there would be no cars there yet so he was going to his hotel. He was taking me to his hotel. I can't remember what time it was, but i was in a car with a stranger who had just changed plans on me and i didn't think there was much i could do. So we get to his hotel and he starts to try and force himself on me. I remember fighting for a bit, then i remember him bringing out an object, maybe a taser, maybe a knife, but he threatened me with it, and that's the last thing i remember. I know he'd been drinking so he was a little off balance. Wether his penis ended up in my vagina that day i honestly can not answer because once again my body must have just completely shut down to the point where i didn't form any memory. I do remember how i left that hotel. He had passed out cold. And i gathered my things and crept out of the hotel room. Hailed the first bike i saw and got on. I vaguely remember someone from the hotel trying to give chase but like i said, my memory is super fuzzy or completely blank around these incidents.<br />
I went back to school that day and did not tell anyone.<br />
<br />
This is the first time i have ever shared any of these experiences. And they happened at least 15 years ago.<br />
The first time i ever even acknowledged being raped was last year, in my first session with my therapist. I said it. I was raped. And i wept. But that day it felt like there was a lifting. I know it probably sounds cliche but i honestly felt a little lighter.<br />
<br />
This morning i was having a conversation about sexual assault with a very dear friend of mine. And i tried to tell her about the first story, but i just couldn't form the words. I started talking but it felt like my throat was closing up. It was after that conversation that i decided to put this down. Face it in a way. I've always been able to better articulate myself when i write.<br />
<br />
This past week has been super triggering. With all the rape and sexual assault stories being shared. I've tried to avoid or ignore most of it, hoping they'd go away almost because they made me super uncomfortable. But i realise how important it is for these conversations to happen. I hope that people are listening and learning. I admire the bravery of every woman who has spoken up or shared her story.<br />
Speaking for myself, i know how difficult it is. I know what it feels like to refuse to acknowledge something that happened to you because you know you will be blamed for it. I mean i couldn't have been a teenager yet when i heard my mother say she didn't believe in rape, basically insinuating that any girl who got raped must have done something to deserve it. Why would i then expect sympathy from friends or even strangers?<br />
I can't say that i expect this current uproar to lead to significant changes in Nigerian legislation to protect women. But i'm happy that more women are speaking up and letting these bastards know that it will no longer be business as usual. I just can't wait till more women start arming themselves and actually killing some rapists.<br />
<br />
Today i encouraged my friend to take her time to process how she was feeling about an incident that happened to her last year. This is me taking my own advice.<br />
I'm fine. Really. I'm doing so much better these days. I can not even believe i am about to hit send on this. And i know that is a sign of progress. So do not worry about me.<br />
<br />
I just hope that someone out there reads this and realises that she isn't alone. That the fact that someone took something they had no business taking from her is not her fault. That nothing she did caused her to be violated like that. That the only person who should feel guilt and shame is the person who did something so terrible to her. Because that's the one thing i feel would have helped me. Knowing it wasn't my fault. To be told that i didn't deserve to be raped because i had gone to a boys house to have sex with him, or accepted a ride from a stranger.<br />
<br />
<br />
Thank you for reading xmizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-69712267836128713522020-06-03T18:55:00.000-04:002020-06-03T18:55:03.389-04:00Too muchEverything just feels too much at the minute.<br />
<br />
Having to deal with all these racism incidents coming out of America in the middle of a fucking pandemic is just a lot.<br />
I've had to actively avoid social media over the past few days because triggers everywhere.<br />
I can't even watch the videos of said incidents because i'm distraught enough just watching peoples responses to them. So i know i definitely couldn't cope well with actually watching people who look like me having the life snuffed out of them. Literally.<br />
<br />
Try as i might to avoid it, it has been on my mind still.<br />
I keep thinking about how it must feel to be a black person in your own country and worry everyday that you have to venture outside that it might be your last. Or even if you choose to stay in your house and not venture outside, the people meant to protect and serve you can barge into your home and take your life.<br />
In your own country. A place where you legitimately have citizenship. The place where you were born. The only home you know.<br />
<br />
I know that there are other black people in America who are not Americans but i feel like at least those ones may have another home that they can decide to return to if push comes to shove, but the actual black Americans do not.<br />
<br />
I also keep thinking about what type of person you must be to treat another human badly just because of their skin color. And then to go from treating badly to actually killing.<br />
<br />
I'm tired.<br />
<br />
Then there's the people who are calling out everyone. From their friends and neighbours to celebrities and brands. In my opinion, people should be allowed to speak if and when they want to and not speak if they do not. I don't think it's complicated. Not everyone uses their social media for social justice issues and i think that should be okay. I do not think it is okay to force people to lend a voice. How about we focus on those who have chosen to lend a voice and leave those who haven't out of it. Choose how you react to their lack of a response and keep it moving but don't try to bully them into saying something, and end up with them saying or doing the wrong thing, like we have seen over the past couple days.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm going to be more offline in the next few days.<br />
Focusing on my new found hobby (crocheting) and enjoying the sunshine.<br />
I even have a date with one of my geriatric boyfriends tomorrow.<br />
<br />
Hopefully this week is a good one.<br />
<br />
Take care my lovelies xmizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-71040941626702342952020-05-19T17:51:00.000-04:002020-05-19T17:51:19.207-04:00Small playI want to write more. Generally, not just on here.<br />
<br />
I've had lots and lots on my mind lately.<br />
<br />
Not all of it that i'm able to articulate properly so bear with me if this seems like too much of a ramble.<br />
<br />
Anyway, today i had a conversation that led to more thinking.<br />
<br />
I saw a tweet on my timeline about, actually better to just copy and paste it. "<i>The shock when a friend lets you know the closeness you feel is only from your end is always a HARD reset."</i><br />
And it reminded me when i experienced something like this and interestingly this person was someone i'd met on here. Anyway, i shared this on my TL and one of my friends said i'd done the same thing to her.<br />
So of course i hit her up like how far, tell me what i did. And when she told me i was like oh, dassit?<br />
Which may not have been the nicest response but fact is i'd still respond to the incident in question the same way.<br />
<br />
Background, this my friend once blocked me over something that did not warrant blocking. We were having a conversation and she didn't like something i said and she went off on me and i immediately apologised so imagine my surprise when i realised i was blocked. She came back and apologised and we resumed being friends, however i definitely dialled things down several notches because i don't like to feel like i'm walking on egg shells, not knowing what will set someone off is just stressful for me. So for the sake of my own peace i just withdrew a little.<br />
<br />
Anyway, todays conversation made me start to think about how forgiving i am. Or not.<br />
<br />
I've always been a super sensitive person. The way i press P sometimes can be interesting.<br />
I see people say insults can't kill but i'd like to introduce you to somebody insult can kill. Me.<br />
SO i just try my possible best at all times and in all situations to avoid insult.<br />
<br />
I like to think i'm more forgiving these days. Once upon a time i'd break up with guys by blocking them on everything. These days i just delete and then ignore. Progress.<br />
I'm more open to having conversations these days about my feelings. I try to let people know when they do things i don't like and try to talk about it. If i consider them important that is.<br />
One of my boyfriends fucked up recently and has come back to apologise which is all well and good, but just like a broken plate, even when glued back together can not be the same plate no?<br />
<br />
I was having a conversation with my best friend the other day and we got around to the topic of how changed i am and one of the things we talked about was how unfriendly i was, almost hostile apparently. And then i remembered how angry i used to be. I'm not even sure i realised how angry i was until a friend of mine read one of my earlier journals and was shocked. I just remember very clearly that the one thing everyone around me used to say was "Why are you frowning" And it wasn't just resting bitch face, i was probably just one symptom of how much of an unhappy child i was. But yea, we really are the sum of our experiences. And i had some not very pleasant ones growing up. Looking back now i had to grow up way too fast and had so much responsibility from such a young age. From time to time my sister talks about how i'm living my life in reverse, because when we were younger i never wanted to play but now? Well, you already know. And that's probably because my head just felt super heavy because of all the responsibility of practically raising my siblings because my mum had to work AND study. Plus my desperation to please my unpleasable mother. I have major mummy issues.<br />
<br />
It has taken lots of conscious effort to get to where i am now. And i'm really thankful for this place and look forward to more growth and more self awareness and enlightenment.<br />
<br />
How's quarantine season treating you?<br />
My brain still feels broken sometimes but i'm not worrying about it so much.<br />
I don't really miss the hustle and bustle of "normal" life. I do miss human contact though, which is my i am grateful now more than ever that i have my sister here with me. I actually miss living together.<br />
<br />
Ok, done rambling for now.<br />
Hope you're keeping well.<br />
<br />
I think i'm done rambling now.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-62107052591649383142020-05-12T20:19:00.000-04:002020-05-12T20:19:02.411-04:00Silver liningWanted to put this down before i forget.<br />
You know how you sometimes have random realisations around certain events?<br />
I just had one.<br />
<br />
At the end of last year when i was "fired", I was really upset.<br />
It was unfair.<br />
Yes i was already looking at other options but i was quite comfortable and thought i was in a good place with my colleagues and wanted to stay there but alas.<br />
<br />
My hospital at the time was in a different town and i only had to commute once a week but it was still an almost 2 hour commute that involved getting on a national rail train.<br />
<br />
Now not even 3 months later we are in a pandemic where travel has now been limited.<br />
And i now live 20mins from my current work place.<br />
20minutes walking.<br />
I can actually bike to work. Which i did for the first time today.<br />
Only 6 days after i bought my bicycle and started learning to ride.<br />
And i don't have to live in the hospital for a whole week.<br />
I get to go home after my shift. Sleep in my own bed.<br />
<br />
I just want to remind myself of all the things i have to be thankful for.<br />
And there is so much.<br />
<br />
Hope you are well.<br />
xmizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-72054559917360353242020-05-06T18:44:00.001-04:002020-05-06T18:44:51.996-04:00GeriatricsI was supposed to do this post since Monday.<br />
<br />
Last week was a struggle. If not for the fact that i realise that i'm probably being affected a lot by the current situation of things, i'd possibly have considered diagnosing myself with a mood disorder.<br />
I had these sudden major mood dips. The type where i was dissolving into tears for no reason through out the course of the day.<br />
<br />
However, come Monday, i felt like a new person almost. A really happy bubbly version of myself. I think it also helped that the sun was out and the weather was warmish. I wore a cute dress, put on some lipstick and went to see my sister who lives not too far from me and needed stitches taken out of a wound.<br />
<br />
On my way back from hers, i'm waiting for the train and when the train pulls up, the doors do not open, so i look up from my phone and notice the train drivers door is open and the driver is standing there trying to get my attention and pretty much forgot to open the train doors.<br />
It was hilarious. Maybe even a little cute. And flattering.<br />
<br />
So now i'm on the train, in my own world, pressing phone per usual when a man tries to talk to me but i'm playing music so i have to pause my music to hear him and soon as i hear him speak i can tell he's definitely Nigerian. he makes a comment about how i just confused the train driver. I start laughing, he tells me i look hot, next thing he's basically giving me his phone to inout my number. I tried to say i wasn't interested but he insisted and i figured it would be easier to just give him the number so he can leave me.<br />
<br />
We arrive at the final stop and when i get off the train driver is also waiting for me so i stopped to greet him and he told me i have the most beautiful smile and he'd like to have my number and ya, i gave him my number as well.<br />
<br />
Going forward i shall be referring to man on the train as Broda and Train Driver as Daddy because they are older.<br />
By older i mean they are 55 and 60 years of age respectively.<br />
I'm not sure if i should be amused or worried that i am now attracting geriatrics.<br />
<br />
Both of them have since declared their intentions to seek out a meaningful relationship with me.<br />
<br />
However i had a conversation with Broda today where he asked me what i liked to do for fun and when i mentioned salsa he made a comment about me being able to wind my waist and twerk (he couldn't even pronounce this right) my ass.<br />
SO i already know that there is no need.<br />
<br />
Hope you and yours are keeping well at this time.<br />
Hope you aren't too badly affected with everything going on.<br />
I know some people are finding things really hard at this time.<br />
Stay strong. And safe.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-62234388307961883082020-04-27T08:08:00.001-04:002020-04-27T08:08:38.123-04:00QuarandomsSo many musings lately.<br />
Still doing alright, for the most part. Still have random unexpected bouts of tears but generally, i'm really good.<br />
I'm trying to stay active. I run almost every other day, take long walks that end with me hands full of colors. I have taken to picking my own flowers and it is such a small thing that gives me so much joy.<br />
Also a friend of mine sent me a peonies plant and i am absolutely excited and can not wait to watch it bloom.<br />
I'm knitting and reading, i'm even listening to an audio book.<br />
I was telling a friend of mine that i think i might be subconsciously regressing as a defence mechanism. It feels like my brain just can't handle too much right now. I don't know how to explain it, but basically i have no interest in doing any serious brain work. Instead i have taken to Youtube to watch all the different times Patience Ozokwor played an evil mother in law. Because the mindless easy entertainment is the much i can handle at the moment.<br />
<br />
I'm still working, thankfully. And getting paid too. And currently saving quite a bit because i'm spending way less now. So there's a lot to be thankful for.<br />
<br />
Anyway on to some randoms.<br />
<br />
I haven't participated in many Instagram Lives, but i just happened to be awake on the night of the Babyface vs Teddy Riley live and i had so much fun live tweeting along with my twitter friends, and it evoked such major nostalgia. I miss the days when music had so much more. More everything, lyrics, passion, everything. When you'd listen to songs on the radio and then record tapes, when boys would toast you by making such tapes, when boys used to write notes/letters. I kept thinking about it that night, how music/media must shape generations. I know i sound like my mother but i feel like the music at the time promoted more loving, more tenderness and so on. Now that everyone is listening to Naira Marley and the likes, the much you get is men sending you whatsapp messages saying "are you in the mood" after not communicating for weeks.<br />
Ugghhhhhh. I hate men sometimes.<br />
<br />
This world coming to an end business has had so many randoms trying to reach out. Some are really sweet and kind and some i know are really just looking for how to get back in my pants and i'm just like, the world may be coming to an end but i still don't want your penis okay?<br />
<br />
Speaking of media shaping generations, the emphasis on marriage as an achievement for women is almost the main agenda in these movies. Sprinkled with some casual rape, servitude and so on. The message is so clear that if you are not married by a certain age then something must be wrong with you and if you do happen to get married, whatever the age, you must remain married no matter what. If your husband beats you, go back and beg him on your knees. If your mother in law insults you, you must grin and bear it because husbands house is the ultimate achievement.<br />
Also the way we rever older people. It is sooooooo strange to watch. Full grown adults who can't take decisions without their parents approval. Reminded me of my mother who said that she got married to make her mother happy. And has stayed in an unhappy marriage for over 30 odd years. Meanwhile the mother she married for has now died and left her.<br />
<br />
The other day there was a discussion on the twitter timeline about parenting styles, prompted by a video of a parent disciplining a child for failing after paying big money as school fees. I didn't watch said video but i saw a lot of comments. And many of them seemed to highlight that hitting and beating was the norm for many of us growing up and how they'd employ the same/similar tactics with their children.<br />
The entire conversation was so triggering for me, and i didn't even experience some of the things i saw talked about but i still know that i have some degree of childhood trauma from never being able to please my mother and from some of her chosen methods of training. I'm thankful that our relationship has improved in recent years but it saddens me sometimes how much time we lost and how we'd never have an "ideal" relationship.<br />
<br />
Another thing i've noticed in these Nollywood flicks is how entitled Nigerian parents are. It is really something. I am currently watching Pete Edochie about to disown his daughter because the rich husband he hand picked for her is yet o buy him a car or renovate his house.<br />
It is disgusting.<br />
Also, the way mothers insist on choosing the girls their sons marry and then proceeding to make their lives miserable.<br />
I don't get it. And i'm glad i never have to live it.<br />
<br />
Anyway, i think i've rambled enough.<br />
<br />
Stay well folks.<br />
<br />mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-53864057131618435402020-04-12T18:47:00.000-04:002020-04-12T18:47:17.164-04:00StableI've had a really good week. I think it may have something to do with the weather.<br />
But whatever it is that's responsible, i'm just glad i'm feeling like this now.<br />
I feel like i have more of a grip. I'm not coming apart as much.<br />
<br />
I'm actually enjoying the slower pace of things. I probably spend way too much time touching myself but whatever. I've been going running outdoors as well. Which is great because i get to enjoy the sun for a bit, and just seeing everything in bloom reminds me that the world is doing just fine.<br />
<br />
Currently watching Glamour girls and man, the nostalgia is heavy. It is so interesting how much things have changed. The acting was so good. Love how well spoken everyone is. Can't compare to this spri spri new nollywood.<br />
<br />
I miss home. I miss my parents. Was my mothers birthday this week and the missing was intense. I miss having friends. Friends i can actually go visit.<br />
<br />
I feel like i had much more to say tonight but it's disappeared now.<br />
<br />
Stay safe my lovelies.<br />
Happy Easter.mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-35012582241049296582020-04-02T04:24:00.001-04:002020-04-02T04:24:46.036-04:00WeeperI've cried at least three times this morning. And it is only like 9am.<br />
<br />
This has been me since all this pandemic business started.<br />
And the worst part is i can never tell what will set me off.<br />
Par example. On my way to work this morning i noticed some paintings of rainbows in some windows. I'd noticed them before but never really paid attention but maybe they're more now or maybe i was just more attentive today. Anyway, these paintings were clearly done by kids with their tentative watercolor strokes and some of them had messages like love, stay happy and the like. And yea, my eyes started leaking. So imagine being out on a run and seeing an adult woman with silent tears running down her face at 7;45am.<br />
<br />
Then i get to work and start my usual wipe everything down, after which i open instagram, because i'm avoiding any triggers. And one of the first posts i see is from another doctor i follow and she talked about how things have changed in hospitals, all the uncertainty, the fear of infecting your loved ones, the healthcare staff who have to live outside their homes now because they're isolating from their families. The unavailability of the coping mechanisms some of us had. Basically everything i've been feeling for the past couple weeks. I've still not stopped crying.<br />
<br />
I close my eyes sometimes and all i can think about is how this will affect another group of people. The elderly ones living in sheltered accommodation who can no longer receive visitors or even interact with their neighbours. The pregnant women who will be going into labor with no loved ones to accompany them. The ones who are sick and dying and are restricted to having one relative with them when they die. The ones who die with no loved ones around them and their loved ones don't get to bury them. The ones who will have difficulty feeding their families because they no longer have any income.<br />
<br />
I am more than thankful for my position. That i still have a job to go to at a time like this. And my income isn't affected.<br />
Yesterday i was told by the letting agent that they couldn't contact my new landlord and so they would have to return my deposit. I was supposed to move yesterday. I had paid the holding deposit, my references had cleared, i'd even given my storage unit notice. Now i have to start apartment hunting again, during a pandemic. This very nearly almost made me cry yesterday. Effectively ruined my mood for the rest of my shift but i got over it, then i stopped at my local store on my way home only to find that their opening hours have changed.<br />
Because the world has changed.<br />
<br />
It's not all doom and gloom with me so don't feel sorry for me. I'm mostly good. I'm being careful to avoid triggers. I take my meals up to my room so i don't have to listen to the news in the cafeteria.<br />
I'm on twitter less and less. I'm reading, knitting, coloring, listening to music. So i'm mostly okay. Just certain things set me off.<br />
<br />
Anyway. I've rambled enough. I shall now dry my eyes and hope that they're not to red and puffy and go find myself some breakfast.<br />
<br />
Take care of yourselves and your people.mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-62170446370550573582020-03-25T17:53:00.000-04:002020-03-25T17:53:23.309-04:00World stopIt only took the world going tits up for me to come and write a post.<br />
<br />
Been meaning to post about my glorious holiday which was a major bucket list item that i am super glad i got to cross off before ALL. THIS. MADNESS.<br />
I had two glorious weeks in the sun, running around naked in a foreign country and it was bliss.<br />
<br />
And now, this.<br />
<br />
I'm at work as i'm typing this and thankfully many of the cases for today were cancelled so i only have a couple of patients overnight. When the talk of this new virus started, to be completely honest i didn't feel very worried. People were recovering. More than the people who were dying. Plus i thought to myself, i'm young, fit and healthy, i should be fine, no big deal.<br />
But that has since changed. This thing is affecting so many different facets of life and things are shifting in ways that are not very comfortable.<br />
I thought i was doing okay, until yesterday when i got on the train and picked up the paper. And one of the headlines said something about 20,000 expected deaths in the coming months and i may have started fighting tears, on the tube. I'm not super anxious about getting sick, i'm more worried about all the other ways that my life might be affected. Like what happens if i'm not able to work?<br />
<br />
<br />
The media coverage isn't helping me much either, can't turn on the TV or radio without more virus updates. Can't sit in the cafeteria because that it all everyone is talking about. And don't let me even talk about Twitter or the whatsapp broadcasts. It really is all too intense and overwhelming at the minute so i've taken a very conscious step back from ALL media. Putting my phone away more often and picking up a book to read, or my coloring book or my knitting needles, which i just bought today.<br />
I do feel better now.<br />
<br />
My heart goes out to all the people around the world who will be hard hit by this thing. And also the leaders who have to make tough decisions at this time. The truth is no one has had to deal with something of this nature and on this scale before so it is going to be a lot of trial and error. And now would be a great time for all of us to practice kindness, in our actions and utterances. And also empathy, because people will react to things differently, based on their circumstances.<br />
<br />
So, story time. Wasn't sure if i should be sharing this but i write more to remember than for any other reason, so.<br />
On Sunday i woke up with what felt like the beginning of a runny nose. This is pretty common for me in winter months when i have a semi permanent post nasal drip situation going on. So i didn't think too much of it. I spent most of my day resting because i had a night shift starting at 9pm. I got dressed for work and as soon as i stepped outside i just felt really shivery but it was cold so i chalked it up to the cold. When i got to work one of the first things i did was check my temperature, 36.7. Great.<br />
However, i know my body and i know i was starting to feel feverish.<br />
I did a mental check, i didn't have a cough or any new respiratory symptoms, and things at work were already tense with the whole COVID matter and i wasn't trying to alarm anyone. So i carried on with my work. Checked my temperature serially through the night and it got as high as 37.9.<br />
At some point i went to speak to my reg to ask to be let out early because i didn't feel well, and he basically said he couldn't allow me to leave early. Thankfully i still felt well enough to work so i finished my shift.<br />
<br />
Now i was still worried, should i inform my employers that i had one episode of fever? Would i have to self isolate? Can i afford the loss of wages? Because i'm not entitled to sick pay. How do i know if i'd just had a mild form of this illness? But testing isn't being done for everyone, not even healthcare workers with mild symptoms and confirmed exposure. You're just asked to self isolate. For 7 days or even less, depending on staff strength.<br />
<br />
Thankfully the episode of fever passed even before i got home and i haven't had any other symptoms since.<br />
<br />
Today we have staff shortages because we have more than a few people who are self isolating. Two of them are a husband and wife couple, both nurses, who have a child with a fever. Imagine both of them being away from work for 2 weeks and possibly not getting paid. Then there's the hospital that now has two less nurses, so the ones who are available to work are overworked.<br />
Now schools are closing, which is good but how about the healthcare workers who have kids and are not able to afford childcare. Some will have to choose between staying at home with their kids, or going to work, getting paid and spending all their pay on childcare.<br />
<br />
There is such a lot to consider.<br />
People are going to be affected in so many different ways.<br />
Remember to be kind.<br />
And to breathe.<br />
<br />
Take care of yourselves people.<br />
<br />mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-45007209011889354832020-02-22T09:51:00.000-04:002020-02-22T09:51:01.418-04:00Lonely. Or not.Currently chilling out on the balcony of my airbnb with a cup of tea while looking out to a rather magnificent view of the mountains with the only sounds i can hear being dogs barking and birds chirping in the trees.<br />
<br />
I'm in Trinidad and Tobago for carnival and if you know me this is like when muslims go to mecca for hajj. So ya, i'm preeeeety excited.<br />
On monday i was at Machel monday which is the kickoff for carnival week and i was in the same venue as all my carnival faves. People i have followed for years on social media just to participate in carnival from my phone, were everywhere around me. I could have died on Monday night/Tuesday morning and been the happiest girl.<br />
Anyway. That's not why i'm here today.<br />
<br />
Before i continue, kindly pardon any typos abeg, i have talons on at present.<br />
<br />
I'm staying at an airbnb and my host is a let's say middle aged woman. She looks to be in her 50's.<br />
A national of a different country who moved here many years ago to improve her english and then she met and married a local, had children with him, got divorced and now lives alone in her lovely house where she rents out a room. She also started an NGO for refugees and collects donations for them and actually distributes the items herself and also does all the admin work. Which i think is a really bad ass thing to do.<br />
<br />
The week before i stayed at another airbnb and my host was an elderly British woman. Came here many years ago for a yoga retreat. Met and married a man here and stayed and has made her life here with yearly visits back to the U.K. In her own case i didn't get a very comprehensive story. I get the sense she was married in England before and had her kids before she moved out here and possibly remarried. Anyway, the man she married now has dementia and is in a nursing home so she lives all by herself, in a foreign country and is now considering selling her house here and moving back to England permanently. For now she rents out one of her rooms and also teaches yoga at a local hotel which again i think is really bad ass. I took two yoga classes with her during my stay and they were the most educative yoga classes i've ever taken.<br />
<br />
These women's stories got me thinking. About how i always hear people list companionship as the main reason to get married. Like getting married guarantees you companionship. Not taking into account all the different possible situations and how easily things can change. And what happens after.<br />
<br />
Now with these two women, they probably had lovely happy partnerships while they lasted, but they didn't last forever, and they had to move on and have done so quite well.<br />
And in my head, i think that the reason why they could do this is because they had other things in their lives. One is running an NGO, one teaches yoga. And so they have other connections outside of their partners. They are actively impacting peoples lives regularly and for that reason probably have some solid friendships and acquaintances too. But sha a network that they can leverage such that they were probably never fully totally and completely dependent on their partner.<br />
This may be a bit simplistic of me, but that's really my thoughts/perception.<br />
<br />
I think it is so important to have hobbies. Things you really like to do, that make you happy and keep you busy so you're not constantly needing one person to fill all your time.<br />
<br />
The other thing i think is important is to make peace with being alone. I know this might sound somehow but hear me out. Even if you were born a twin, you still came into this world by yourself. There's no one that is obligated like that to be available all the time for you when you're not a suckling babe. Even your parents will have times when they have other responsibilities and may not always be fully available. Ok you've married a husband/wife for companionship, to make sure you're not lonely and then...they suddenly die.<br />
Now what?<br />
<br />
I've met countless people who don't know how to function outside of a romantic partnership and it is so wierd to me. And a little sad too.<br />
But that's just me, i accept that i am wierd. I mean i went to a fete by myself yesterday and i had a great time, till i didn't anymore and then i left. But i've always been super comfortable with doing things by myself. Also i've probably been single way longer than i've been romantically partnered so there's that as well.<br />
<br />
All this isn't me ragging on romantic relationships. Far from it.<br />
Contrary to popular belief i'm a cheesy cornball and i love love so damn much. Too much even. And i can't wait to find someone who makes me as happy as i make them and i can relax into my cheesiness but until then?<br />
I'll be outchea having a fucking blast by myself.<br />
<br />
Hope you are well.<br />
Thanks for reading x<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-782747521198955117.post-85503208623838638392020-01-26T19:46:00.001-04:002020-01-26T19:46:37.075-04:00We all dieMorbid. I know.<br />
<br />
A few hours ago i was getting ready for my night shift and thinking that i should put up a post tonight because i haven't done one yet this year and jan is almost over.<br />
<br />
Then i got to work and looked at my phone and saw a TMZ post about Kobe. And i'm like surely this must be a joke right. Then i log on to twitter and get confirmation and the tears start. Tears, snot, everything.<br />
I think the last celebrity passing i felt like this about was Tosyn Bucknor. Also Dagrin.<br />
<br />
I'm not even a basketball fan. But it's Kobe. And he's only 41.<br />
Now reports say his 13 yr old daughter was also with him and i just can't allow myself to process that part.<br />
So i've closed my tweetdeck.<br />
<br />
For something that is so certain, death is still so cruel sometimes.<br />
Especially when it's sudden like this.<br />
Makes you wonder what the point of it all is.<br />
Go to work everyday. Climb the corporate ladder. Grow your business. Eat healthy. Keep fit. Then you get in your car to drive to work like you do five days a week and another car comes out of nowhere and Bam. It's over.<br />
I don't know man.<br />
I honestly wish we could renegotiate this whole death business.<br />
Like okay life has to end one day but can we do this in a more humane and civilised manner?<br />
Have a sort of agreement in place. Have time to put things in order. prepare your loved ones.<br />
But you know what? Even in palliative patients, the ones you already know are on their way out, the loss still stings.<br />
<br />
More and more lately i've been worrying about my parents health.<br />
I keep thinking what if something happens to them while i'm all the way in another country.<br />
They are steady getting older and every other day there's one body part that's not cooperating and i'm just like God please. PLEASE.<br />
<br />
They say to live in the hearts of the ones you love is never to die.<br />
So that is my focus. Live the type of life that will leave an impact.<br />
That one day when i'm not here anymore, people will remember me fondly.<br />
And hopefully my organs (that i intend to donate) are extending the life of another deserving person.<br />
<br />
Being famous must be so difficult.<br />
Imagine losing your loved ones and not just being able to hide and grieve.<br />
Or having to see all the fake news being circulated at a time when you surely feel like your world has just come crashing down on your head.<br />
His family and the families of all the other people in that plane are in my prayers.<br />
<br />
I'm going to log off now.<br />
Kiss and hug your people.<br />
<br />mizchifhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11856675705278891115noreply@blogger.com0